High School: You Can't Go Back ... Thank God.
When I moved back to where I grew up, I wasn't psyched with the potential to run into former childhood friends and classmates. It's not that I hated high school, I liked it well enough, I was one of the crowd, voted Best Sense of Humor and Munchiest (not pot related, it was a cute stab at my chunky frame and propensity to steal other people's food at snack break). Ahem.
But it really never happened. Maybe once or twice in the seven years that I've been back did I run into someone and have to play the Hey ...How Are YOU? game. The real factor has been the kids school: with my older kids (my step-kids), I am always the youngest parent in the group, because I would have been 20 if I'd birthed the oldest. Not a lot of kids from my year did that.
But now that I have a 5er in K, having birthed him at the more appropriate and popular age of 32, I am seeing a lot of familiar faces in the crowd. It makes me itchy.
I'm not sure if it's because I feel like high school was such a trivial time, or if it's because dealing with it through my own kids' experiences has brought the You-Couldn't-Pay-Me-To-Go-Back feelings into sharp relief.
So, last night I ventured into the local burger bar, which I haven't stepped foot in for at least 12 years. I was picking up the 5er who was there getting some burgers at the end of a playdate. I ended up sitting down and having a beer with some of the other moms. Sure enough, one of them was a year younger than me at my high school. Then a guy comes over to chat with another mom, he was THE biggest jock star, the hockey and football king. Looking around I could count at least five other faces I thought looked puffy, but familiar.
It made me itchy. It made me itchy because I can't really remember who I was back then. I know I was fun and funny, but was I mean to someone? Did others think I was pathetic because I never had that big-time boyfriend? Did they think I was just a plastic airhead or a snobby popular kid? More importantly, WHY DID THAT MATTER TO ME? God, who gives a shit. I know who I am now, but do I really want to go through all the trouble trying to reprove myself to a bunch of people who are still in the same bar after all these years?
Such is the mind of a girl, I think. As I was leaving I passed a table with at least three guys who I remembered having kissed. I waved them a "hey" and ran after the 5er who was already out the door. It totally doesn't matter what they said about me after I'd gone. But I thought about it the whole ride home.
Wht they said about you was probably, "Wow, look at her. She's HOT"...
What is amazing are the preconceived notions that we have about how others perceive us. This is especially true about our high school and college days.. Whether we were popular or not (I was a not) we all carry the same baggage and assumptions. I assumed that everyone one I went to HS with was a snob and believed that they thought I was a geek/dork/looser.
I have recently connected with a lot of classmates through Facebook and have realized that we all grew up since h.s. graduation and generally aren't the same people we were then.
Test your assumptions and know that as you were chasing your 5er, they were probably trying to remember who you were in highschool because you too have changed so much.
They were probably doing the same thing. Or, they never left the area and haven't expanded their circle since then. Either way, you're totally a hottie and they're thinking, 'wow, she looks great!'
I know what you mean about the inner dialogue though.
I was voted "cutest belly button" but was not popular unless I was dating a popular guy. As soon as we broke up, my place at the cool table was gone. I run into my homecoming queen every now and then and she's always super nice to me. This always makes me nervous and I end up saying something stupid that I kick myself for all the way home. I don't have trouble in social situations normally so why does she make me so nervous? Plus, for some reason, whenever I'm in my hometown I feel the need to be 'on my game' at all times. It's nuts. Because, none of us are the same people we were. And I'm happy about who I am now. And I genuinely hope they are too.
It's odd though, isn't it? That no matter how far you've come, you can be jerked back to your teenage insecurities in an instant? I do like the fact that most of the guys have fared way worse than the girls. Belly city.
I was at an event with Cheryl Tiegs a couple of years ago and got a pic of her giving me a kiss. I took that to my high school reunion and posted it on the bulletin board. I'm now referred to as MISTER Tom.
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