GoMom

"I'm never going to have children," I announced sometime in kindergarten. My point of view remained the same through most of college, and I was astounded when any of my friends expressed a happy anticipation of far-off parenthood. Never! To me and many others, Children = Many Dreary Obligations. So it was with great interest that I read this account on Jezebel from a young woman who had herself sterilized at age 24. Of course you don't think you want kids. What sane 24-year-old New Yorker wants kids? Has anyone else come to parenting after many years of "I would NEVER…?"

"I won't lock the keys in the car," he reassures me, 30 seconds before locking the keys in the car. It all happens so fast! This child sees an opportunity for diversion in every smooth pebble and house-invading ant, stretching out the most simple task--slipping on a pair of Crocs, for instance--into a Grand Journey of Discovery. Now he pulls it together, the car door opened, locked, and slammed tight in short order, the boy on the outside, the keys on the inside.

Science fiction author Ray Bradbury's favorite word was "ramshackle." The Crystal Cathedral's Robert Schuller claims his is "Hallelujah!" My son's is "poop." It's driving me crazy, so yesterday I banned the word. If he says it, he goes to his room. I'm just trying to keep my house calm. But am I taking away his Hallelujah?

Is there any occasion so dire that you still reach for pantyhose? Bare legs became the norm during the last decade, but a Wall Street Journal article has found one place where pantyhose lives on: the midwestern office dress code. (The women of Jezebel drew my attention to it.) The case against hose: they're uncomfortable and they often look frumpy. The case for hose: if you broke a thousand capillaries in your legs during your pregnancy, they can make your gams look better than they do bare. Also, they are somehow formal. And if you are committing a robbery, they obscure your appearance without obstructing your vision.

I don't think my mother even wears the stuff anymore. It's just old-fashioned and really really unsexy. Perhaps you would argue, "But Sarah, aren't dead-fish-white legs speckled with red and purple spider veins even less sexy than L'Eggs?" Yes. Keeping it real is the luxury of the young. Reach for the self-tanning lotion. Unless you have an audience with the Queen of England, and are planning on mugging her during that meeting, hose are over.

Do you try to resurrect parts of your own childhood for your babe? I bought the CD Free to Be...You and Me for my son, 'cause I have so many happy memories of listening to it as a little girl. It was the '70s, and all the songs on the album tried to advance the idea that little girls and little boys could break out of the gender roles that bound the previous generation. Now, girls don't have to be nurses--they can be doctors--but ideally, they will be sexy doctors. And boys don't have to grow up to be the only breadwinners in the family--but ideally, they will outearn their wives. I know we've come a long way, but what's the next step?

Cracked has compiled a list of History's 9 Most Terrifying Beauty Tips. I must admit, plunging one's feet into a pool of carnivorous fish in the hopes that they will nibble the calluses off is pretty horrific--then again, TV commercials for the Ped Egg make me shiver and gag too. I haven't done anything too terrifying for beauty--high on my list is a teenage encounter with the Epilady, the million times I have slid a contact lens onto my eye (touching the eye! barf!), and a few days where I actually tried to follow that women's magazine myth of "drinking 8 glasses of water a day for clear, beautiful skin" (bloating and boring). What's the grossest thing you've ever done for beauty?

American teenagers are oral-sex savvy, according to a new study, and incorporate the practice into their sexual repertoire as they become sexually active. Slate's Human Nature reporter William Saletan thinks this is noteworthy, 'cause oral sex used to be something couples explored after getting familiar with the "basics" of vaginal sex first. But does this news really mean kids are fast-forwarding through sexual exploration? I think it's noteworthy that oral sex is often an easy and reliable way to achieve the female orgasm, which can be elusive prey for those bumbling through their first vaginal sex experiences. Maybe this data captures not only a more sophisticated generation, but also one who have been brought up with the idea of gender orgasm parity?

Did you know that deer mice who are infected with deadly parasites give birth to larger--and therefore, fitter--offspring than healthy mice. In allotting resources to reproductive survival, rather than to immediate survival they're doing something kinda unusual. I had never felt such kinship with the animal kingdom as when I became a mother. I resented it at the time, having a high opinion of myself that placed my worth above that of the common breeding cow. But now I like to check out the lives of my sisters in the Anamalia kingdom and compare them with my own mysterious experiences as a mom. If you are similarly curious, here's some more news: Female albatrosses who live Hawaii pair up with other females to take turns raising their young when there aren't enough males around. "Female pairs raise fewer chicks than male-female pairs, but given the shortage of males, fewer chicks are better than none." This is also unusual, but it's allowed the Laysan albatross to re-populate the islands!

My friend Cheri was always in charge of "treating" the hiccups of her many young siblings--her methodology involved administering a spoon full of sugar, and the ritual itself, she swore, made the hiccups stop. There's plenty of evidence to support the existence of the placebo effect. And now there's a sugar pill you can give your kids to fake them into health. It's called Obecalp (get it--placebo spelled backwards)! Experts fretted to the New York Times over whether using Obecalp would train children to become pill-poppin' adults, but is it really any different than those Spongebob Band-Aids that get slapped over every miniscule scratch and bump? Would you add it to your medicine cabinet?

I think that, for those who can swing it, having a job & having a
family is preferrable to just staying at home with babes. Not only
financially--but because of the adult-world stimulation and personal
gratification of the whole career game. A recent survey found
that 43% of working moms would like to bargain
away some $$ in exchange for more time with their kids. Of course, the
option to make such a bargain is no more than a dream for many
workers--but if you could tailor you own work/life deal, what would it
look like?